If you have found your way to this page, chances are you are navigating the complexities of singleness. Maybe, like me, you are struggling to navigate how to honor God in your singleness. Maybe you thought that you would already be married at this point in your life. You want to have faith and believe that God is good, yet hope deferred has left you feeling discouraged and lost. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone in feeling that way.
For years I have struggled with not wanting to be angry with God about still being single. I tried to make sense of a story that I didn’t intend to write for myself. It’s tempting to push down those feelings and chase the next adventure, but wrestling well requires confronting those honest emotions and the realities in front of you.
I wish that I could tell you I have found the secret to successful singleness or that I have figured out how to navigate it with ease. What I can tell you is that I’m not always ok with my circumstances, yet I have found that there is power in sharing my story with each other. There is comfort in knowing that we are not alone on this journey. You can sit in the company of someone who sees you and knows the pain of this journey. This blog is about holding space for you and sharing the wisdom I have gleaned from a few decades of singleness.
Taking a Step of Faith
I have talked myself out of writing this blog several times. There is a level of vulnerability that comes with sharing your story publicly. It means opening yourself up to the opinions and critique of others. Some who will undoubtedly reinforce lies I have too often believed about myself. Then there is the pity. Too often I keep from sharing this part of my life with because I don’t want others to feel sorry for me. I want to be seen as strong, worthy and confident. I have feared that exposing this struggle, being honest about the realities of singleness, especially when I don’t have all the answers will make me inadequate to speak on these topics.
Yet I have discovered that there is incredible strength and encouragement to be found in sharing our stories. There is power in knowing that someone else sees you and understands your journey in a way no one else does. I have had a million excuses for why I wasn’t the right person to write a blog. Yet, I kept coming back to this core belief that our stories are irrevocably important to one another.
God wired us in such a way that our hearts could be knit together through sharing our experiences, emotions and ideas. Each person is complex and intricate, each one of us holds a part of the image of God, each one at the same time having something to learn and something to teach.
So what’s my story?
I was blessed to grow up in a Christian home, with parents who genuinely loved the Lord and sought to make Christ the center of our home. I am incredibly passionate about my relationship with Christ because as my relationship with Him grows everything else in my life becomes richer. My relationships become more meaningful. The world becomes more beautiful and beckons me to discover more of God’s amazing creation each day. This holy curiosity is ignited and my desire to learn grows deeper.
However, finding my place in Christian circles as a single female has not always been easy. It is a part of my faith journey that has been difficult to navigate. Throughout the years I have had to deconstruct much about where I believed my true worth lied.
Let me backup a bit to when I first realized something might be off.
I remember coming home to Connecticut from college during semester breaks and dreading the infamous question I would inevitably be asked by several family members and friends. Sure they wanted to know how the Yankee girl was coping living in the South. They wanted to know how classes were going, and if got along with my roommate or if I had eaten a decent meal. But it was all just precursors to the question that really mattered.
“Have you found anyone special yet?”
Apparently that was the true measuring stick for the success of my life. I don’t fault them, I know their intentions were pure. The question came from a place of genuine interest in my life. But for me, it bolstered a lie that had taken root. A lie from the enemy, that told me that my worth was irrevocably and unequivocally tied to my ability to find a spouse and start a family. Who was I if I couldn’t be a wife and mother? What did I really have to offer?
I know this might not be everyone’s story, but my guess is if you have found this blog then you are familiar with the pressure to live up to these expectations.
Not convinced?
Try typing in “Best books for Single Christian Women.” You will find titles like Lady in Waiting, Praying for Your Future Husband, When God Writes Your Love Story, Finally the Bride. Most of them are written by women or men who are married. Don’t get me wrong, I believe there is much wisdom and insight within the pages of these books.Yet so much of our culture, especially in Christian circles, is wrapped up in the pursuit of “Happily Ever After.” That becomes the goal and we are disillusioned into thinking that once that right person comes along everything will fall into place and we can really start living the life we want.
For many young women I know this is a deep desire they are eagerly waiting with anticipation for, while others may never have that longing. Either way it seems like our worth is measured by our relational statues within Christian culture.
Being Single In Church
Growing up immersed in this culture I was introduced to several of these books myself. Whether intentionally or unintentionally the message was that my purpose and worth was tethered to becoming a godly wife and mother. This was the ultimate aspiration of a Christian woman. It took me a long time to recognize the effects this had on me, my relationship with Christ and with others. It has been a long journey of the Holy Spirit transforming me and how I think about life, my purpose and my worth. Even knowing this truth doesn’t make me immune to feelings of loneliness. Yet in those moments I have returned to this anchor, that I know who I am in Christ. My identity is already secure.
Most churches just don’t know what to do with single people, especially women. The default setting is to throw them into a single’s group and hope they mate. Alternatively, they tell them to be more content so that God will give them a husband. I want to be a part of reframing how the church talks about singleness. We need to change how the church engages and serves women who are navigating life on their own. Whether they have chosen a life of singleness or are living in anticipation of one day being married, the church & Christian community should be a safe haven where they are seen, valued, and encouraged. Let’s shift the conversation from how to embrace this season of singleness to just embracing what it looks like to follow Jesus as women.
Changing Your Mindset
Having a healthy view of singleness involves both seeing your value and worth independent of others, while at the same time tethering yourself to something greater than yourself. If we only focus on self- fulfillment we end up unfulfilled. However, if we consecrate ourselves to a much higher purpose, then we can truly find fulfillment and worth. We are created for more than self gratification.
John Mark Comer articulated it this way, “Human desire is infinite because we were made to live with God forever in his world and nothing less will ever satisfy us, so our only hope is to put desire back in its proper place on God. And to put all our other desires in their proper place below God. Not to detach from all desires, but to come to the place where we no longer need (fill in the blank) to live a happy restful life.”
Journaling has been one of the most powerful tools and impactful spiritual disciplines in navigating my singleness. I find that writing is most often the way I am able to process the difference between how I feel and what I know to be true. This blog is pieces of my journal, lessons learned, heartache processed, joys celebrated and growth, lots and lots of growth.
My mission in writing this blog is to create space for that girl who is looking to have a healthy view of singleness. To speak to the girl who is seeking to walk in all the potential God has given her, and to share words that make her feel seen, valued and understood.
& be sure to follow me over @thealyjames for more inspiration & encouragement