Have you ever thought about what it means to grieve your singleness?

The definition of grief is “the anguish experienced after significant loss.” Most often we associate this emotion with the loss of a loved one, but loss can be experienced in many different ways. It could be the loss of hope, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a dream. We don’t often discuss what grief looks like in singleness. For me, I often grieve the moments I thought I would have experienced at this point in my life. Planning a wedding, carrying a child, building a home with a person I love. 

Growing up I always pictured my uncle officiating my wedding, when he passed away a few years ago not only did I grieve his absence from our lives, but I also grieved the loss of not being able to some day share that significant moment with him. If you are reading this, you probably also have a similar story.

As you get older the picture of what you thought your life would look like changes. In some ways it’s beautiful and it brings unforeseen opportunities and experiences. While change implies the beginning of something new, inevitably it also implies the end of something else. In an effort to keep moving forward, there is a temptation to minimize the loss we have experienced or the way that change impacts us. 

My best friend  and I could not be more different when it comes to how we navigate our emotions. She loves a good tear jerking movie or getting lost in a deep cuts playlist that tugs on every heart string. She loves to feel all the feelz!

I admire the way she can articulate some of the deepest emotions without any shame. This ability to give space to her emotions allows her to love others well, to see past the veneer so many of us wear, to the emotional soul we try to keep hidden. She has a level of empathy I strongly admire.

On the other hand, I tend to compartmentalize my emotions. I’ve not yet learned how to really sit in my emotions in that way. I feel uncomfortable giving space to those emotions, because I’m still discovering how to navigate them and how to let them inform me. Unfortunately, I have often default to pushing those emotions aside and pressing forward. That has not served me well. To be fully transparent with you, it makes me feel stronger in those moments, that I feel like I’m controlling something. On better reflection, that feeling of control is an illusion. 

In reality, heart issues don’t just get pushed aside, they get pushed down into the soil of our hearts, where they take root. They become the weeds that choke out good plants from bearing fruit in our lives.  

Solomon once said that, “Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.” I believe that experiencing grief actually increases our capacity for joy and gratitude. If we do not allow ourselves the space to process loneliness, rejection, and disappointment, we short circuit the healing process.

Dr. Anita Phillips writes in The Garden Within that, “Your spiritual life cannot be isolated from your emotional reality” We cannot flourish in our faith if our emotional wellbeing is suffering. 

I have learned so much from my friend over the years, about how to give space to the emotions that I’m feeling in a healthy way. She can usually see those emotions in me before I can identify or articulate them myself. (We all need a friend like this). In those moments she gently welcomes me into a safe place to process together. She is willing to ask the tough questions, the ones that we often don’t have the answers to, yet still need to be asked. 

When it comes to my singleness, it’s hard to be honest about the disappointment I feel. Sometimes it feels like I have just been caught in this riptide of life, desperately trying to figure out which way is up. The ironic thing about riptides is you can’t fight against them. If you swim against them you will never get back to shore. In order to get out of them you have to swim parallel to it. 

It’s hard for me to sit in this place that feels so uncomfortable, when everything inside me wants to fight for this life I had pictured in my mind. I have to be willing to let that grief wash over me, to actually sit with those feelings and acknowledge those emotions. I have to be gracious and patient with myself as I navigate how to move forward. Moving forward doesn’t mean denying reality, it means forgiving it.

Emotions can inform us about what is really going on inside. They are like indicator lights on your car dashboard. Our bodies’ are reacting to our environment or circumstances and communicating when a human need has been met or neglected. If the check engine light is flashing it’s not wise to ignore it, eventually you will feel the impact of that neglect. 

Dr. Anita Philips wrote, “It is only our unattended sadness, anger and fear that eventually threaten the soil of our hearts, not the feeling itself.” 

Final thoughts 

There are some days that I feel all the weight of disappointment and rejection in my singleness. What I’m learning is that it’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay,, because I know that sorrow and grieving are part of the path forward. If you have never given yourself the space to feel that sadness, I gently encourage you to take that step. 

I find comfort in Psalms 56: 8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

He sees you. God knows each tear you have cried and the sorrow that you have felt in your singleness. Our Savior has promised that you are never alone. He is not done writing your story!