John chapter 8 Jesus tells his disciples this, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”
There are endless opinions and misconceptions about singleness. It’s about time we debunk some of the most common myths about singleness so that we can have a more honest and positive view of singlehood.
Growing up in the church I heard many different perspectives about singleness. Some directly stated, even more implied. Unfortunately, most of those opinions left me feeling like singleness was synonymous with lacking. In my own journey of reframing singleness I had to identify things about singleness that I was believing that were not true. From there I aimed to rebuild my understanding based on truth and what the Word of God actually says.
By being honest about the nuances of singleness, we can shine a light on both the joys and challenges of this journey.
Busting myths keeps us from allowing someone else to define our story for us.
Here are 3 myths I want to bust about singleness
Myth 1: “Singleness is my season of waiting”
I have often heard singleness referred to as a “season of waiting.” Which implies that there is something else, those of us who are single, need to make ourselves complete.
At times it can really feel like that.
Tell me if this advice sounds familiar.
“Be patient, I know it will happen when you least expect it.”
We all have those well intentioned friends who want to encourage us not to ‘ give up hope.’ While their hearts may be in the right place, they don’t actually know that to be true. Each of our journeys are different, my path is going to look different than yours.
It is absolutely possible that marriage is not part of my journey and that’s ok.
Yet “encouragement” like this often makes us feel that our hope lies in finally finding that person and until we do we are unfulfilled. That our ‘real’ lives have not yet started.
Which begs the question- in what or whom is our fulfillment found?
The Westminster Catechism states, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.”
In our egocentric culture, this can be a hard pill to swallow, because life that glorifies God requires putting to death your own desires. Unfortunately many of us are not willing to surrender in that way because we underestimate the fullness of what that life has to offer.
What does that have to do with singleness?
Well, if our view of singleness is that it is a season of waiting for the life we “want” to begin, then we miss out on experiencing the fullness and joy God has for us NOW.
And if our goal is to glorify God that means living for him today, regardless of our relationship status.
Ask YourSelf:
Who is God calling you to be?
What are areas of growth you need to press into?
What passions and dreams has he placed in your heart?
Stop waiting for the perfect person or the perfect time to live your life.
Pursue Christ with your whole heart and passionately explore the things that bring you joy!
Whether that means attending a small group, joining a gym, taking a pottery class or starting a book club, create space for things you love. Commit time to serving others and being present. Your singleness is not the most defining thing about you.
Be intentional with how you live- stop waiting!
Myth 2: “Singleness is a punishment”
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard some variation of this story….
“When I stopped looking and was finally content – BOOF Mr. Right appeared.”
As if God is withholding a relationship from you as punishment for your lack of contentment or gratitude.
The truth is there is no magic formula to get what we want out of God. He can’t be manipulated or coerced. If our goal is only to get what we want out of God, we miss out on the true treasure of knowing God through an unhindered pursuit of Him. He wants our heart not a begrudging submission or behavior modification.
That’s not say that singleness is without its challenges. Watching all your family members and friends get married and start families can be painful. There is loneliness in desperately wanting to have the one person to rely on when the weight of life feels too heavy to carry on your own. It can feel isolating and hopeless at times. It can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that this is somehow a consequence of past mistakes. In those moments I have to remind myself about what I know to be true about the character of God. What does God’s word say about our standing before him?
Ephesians 2: 4- 5 tells us, “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.”
Have you believed the lie of the enemy, that something you have done disqualifies you from ever being used by God?
It’s rooted in the false idea that we did anything to be qualified in the first place. The truth is there is nothing we could ever do to earn God’s favor. We are loved because we are his, it’s our birthright as daughters of the King. We are worthy because Christ’s sacrifice put us in right standing with the Father, not through any good work of our own. The enemy wants to use our shortcomings and failures against us, as a way to discredit our worth, but he can only do that if our worth lies with what we’ve done, not whose we are.
Ask Yourself:
What do you need to forgive yourself for?
Is there something you need to lay at the foot of the Cross?
What do you need to let God heal & redeem in your heart?
Proverbs 24: 16 says, “The righteous falls seven times and rises again.” We will fall down, we will fail and make mistakes, we will try and try again, but in Christ we do not have to fear failure. Yet we will rise again, equipped with more wisdom, more endurance, more character then we did the first time. We do not have to walk in defeat.
Sometimes what may feel like a closed door is a God redirecting us to consider something we never did before.
Consider this question Bob Goff asks in his book Undistristacted, “How would your life be different if you looked at disappointing outcomes as enticing opportunities?”
If we are going to thrive in our singleness we have to start reframing our mindset. Start seeing singleness as a gift to be stewarded, as an enticing opportunity to be used by God in a beautiful and unique way.
Our struggles are never punishment because those were already absorbed on the Cross.
Myth 3: “Singleness is just a time of preparation for marriage”
I recently read a blog post about the best books for single Christian women. Let me just list a few of the titles reviewed in this post.
- 31 Prayers for my Future Husband.
- Finally the Bride
- When God Writes Your Love Story
- Lady in Waiting
And it’s not the only blog post I found that primarily recommended books that directly addressed how to prepare to be a good wife. Whether that was by staying pure until marriage or praying for your future husband, most of these books were focused on this idea that what we as single women do now will impact our future marriage.
While there is great value in many of these books, this is not what defines our worth or the only purpose of our singleness as women.
Have you ever heard of Lydia of Thyatira?
She was a founding member of the first church in Philippines. She was a businesswoman, a seller of luxury textiles. What we would consider the fashion industry today. Her wealth afforded her an independent lifestyle with space and funds to generously support the church plant. We don’t know a lot about Lydia, but what is interesting is that in a Patriarchal society there is no mention of a husband or male figure in her story. Instead the passages define her as a ‘God-worshiper.” I don’t know about you, but I want my identity tied to my creator- the God of the Universe.
Ask Yourself:
How do you want to be known?
What do you want to be remembered for?
What words describe the fullness of who you are as a person?
I think we can lose sight of these things, when we only view singleness as a season of preparation for marriage.
It’s time to widen our aperture and let light shine on all that God created you to be!
Final Thoughts:
Our culture often defines success as “Happily Ever After.” It is an idea that captures our imagination at such a young age. We have to be
careful not to allow that to be the measuring stick for your happiness. There is so much more to who you are! Discover the beauty of who God made you to be! Complete, unique and thriving as you step into your full potential.
There is a richness to life that we miss out on when we allow the negative connotations around singleness to define us and our stories.
Be sure to follow me over at @thealyjames!